And this is the one you’ve been waiting for. Our reporter managed to get an exclusive interview with Perry Groves. The man himself. God. This is how it went.

Interview with Perry

Reporter: Perry, thank you very much for finding a window in your very busy schedule for this interview.
Perry: It’s a pleasure.
Reporter: Now, you came on as a substitute for Arsenal in the 1989/90 title decider at Anfield. You entered the game in the 79th minute with Arsenal needing one more goal to clinch the 1st Division title. What were you thinking?
Perry: Well, it was a very dramatic atmosphere. You couldn’t help but be moved by it. But as a player, you have to stay professional and focus on the job in hand. I was really motivated to go out and bring the title back to north London.
Reporter: Er, no. I meant the hair. What were you thinking? Well, never mind. Anyway, at that time there was a lot of transfer interest surrounding you, involving some of the big clubs. Wycombe, Aldershot, and I hear Bros were looking for another member too. Were you interested in moving at that time?
Perry: Well I wasn’t really interested in that. I just took each match as it came. It doesn’t matter who I’m playing for, I’ll always give one hundred percent.
Reporter: Yeah, and I’ll bet that’s something Framley Town Wanderers are very glad of now. Anyway there’s always been the saying that with a great player the ball almost seems to be attatched to their feet, as if there’s sticky glue all over them. Was this where you got your idea for you hair, for heading the ball?
Perry: You’re not going to lay on the hair gags all the way through this interview are you? That was a long time ago.
Reporter: Sorry. I haven’t really been conditioned properly for this interview. No no. That wasn’t meant to be a joke. I didn’t mean to offend you. Oooh things got a bit hairy there. Whoops. Sorry. Now Perry, I hear you were a bit of a ladies man in your time. What do you think made you so attractive to women.
Perry: Well, anyone with a degree of fame becomes instantly recognisable. And playing for a football team, you’re always going to be noticed, especially with it being so popular.
Reporter: So not the shorts then? They said that those tight shorts restricted a players movements, but that could just be hairsay. I mean hearsay. Sorry. So moving on… Who have been your major influences over the course of your career?
Perry: Well, I’ve always admired Ian Rush. He was always electric infront of goal. I tried to model myself on him. I also loved watching Paul Mariner for England when I was just starting my own career.
Reporter: How about Tintin?
Perry: What?
Reporter: Never mind. Going back to that match against Liverpool, you were playing against one of the greatest defenders of all time, Alan Hansen. That must have been a hair-raising experience. He really did stick to you like glue.
Perry: That’s it. I’m fed up with all these stupid hair jokes. I’m leaving.
Reporter: Wait wait, keep your hair on.
Perry, obviously a busy man, had to end the interview there, slamming the door behind him.
Reporter: Come back Perry. I really thought we were starting to gel.
Interview terminated