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Gross back behind bars

steve — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:31:23 +0000

Upon transferring this site to its new look, we became aware that it had been infiltrated by one Terry Gross, arch nemesis and lookalike of Perry Groves. We reported the matter to the relevant authorities, and are now pleased to report that Gross was caught and is now back in prison in Barnsley. No longer will he be able to besmirch Perry’s good name. A spokesman for Scotland Yard said “Well, it was the least funny thing on the site, wasn’t it?”

Welcome!

steve — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 12:29:32 +0000

Welcome to the new look weloveperry.com. Don’t worry, all the old stuff is still here, but now packaged as a fancy visual extravaganza.

Some of the older content has been given a revamp, so have fun browsing. For example, why not check out the updated Realistic Football Simulation Game: Behold Thy Graphics!

You can also leave your witty comments on the articles now too, so get typing!

Perry Groves backs Delap

steve — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 15:13:53 +0000

Ex-Arsenal throw-in-taker Perry Groves has controversially criticised England boss Fabio Capello for not taking Stoke City’s Rory Delap to the World Cup. Delap attended the Royal Groves Academy of Throw-in Takers, and was the first student every to leave the prestigious school with a first class honours. Groves enthused, “Delap was the best pupil I ever had. After England’s piss-poor start to the World Cup, I think it’s obvious to the nation that what the team has been missing is really long throw-ins. I think it’s discrimination against the throw-in-enabled for Capello not to have taken him to South Africa.” Upon being told that Delap plays for Ireland, Groves said ‘Oh.’

Buy Perry’s autobiography now

steve — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 19:03:48 +0000

That’s right, Perry has written an autobiography!

If you don’t do anything else today, make sure buy your copy.

Using our usual skills, we’ve dodged copyright laws and have included a sneak peak of the book. Hopefully this taster will insipre you to make that purchase! The following excerpt is from one of the early chapters outlining Perry’s youth.

Sneak Peak from Perry’s Autobiography:

My youth was a mixed bag, with the ups and downs of any young lad growing up in East Anglia. Often misunderstood at school, bullied by my peers, yet respected for my footballing abilities, my one constant ally was Pedro, a Mexican immigrant. During this time I kept a journal of my events at school.

5th March, 1979 Just got back home from playing patty-cake with my friend Pedro. Although he hasn’t fully got to grips with football yet, I’m glad to see that he now fully understands the complicated rules of patty-cake. Irma’s being a frigging pain in the butt as usual. Gosh!

6th March, 1979 Practiced throw-ins at school today. Bet one kid that I could throw the football over them mountains, something my uncle Martin “Rico” Matthews taught me. Still can’t get in the first team at school – Coach has something against ginger kids. Milk deliveries went well this afternoon. There’s a new girl at school called Debs. She’s pretty good looking.

8th March, 1979 Sorry didn’t get to write yesterday. Helped Pedro build a cake for this hot chick he’s after. Decided to take up a new martial art called Kenny-Kwon-Do, invented by Kenny Dalglish. Thought it might benefit my footballing skills. Gotta go – got to feed Tina.

9th March, 1979 What a day! I guess I’ll have to start at the beginning. The whole team has gone down with food-poisoning! Coach said he had no choice but to play me (and Irma). So, I finally got to play for Framley High School 1st team! We were playing Lamfrey High School, who are top of the league, and beat them 1-0! Irma scored the only goal, and I played really well – that throw-in practice really paid off! Debs smiled at me after the match – girls have never looked at me that way before.

Perry, age 14

So that was the moment that really launched my career: from then on the only way was up! Within two years, Arsenal had signed me up, I’d cut my hair, and was playing football that was, well, dynamite.

Perry, age 14

Famous band re-uniting for come-back gig at new stadium

steve — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 15:13:30 +0000

Rumours zip around north London that brothers Matt and Luke Goss and ex-Arsenal defence-devastator Perry Groves are set for a headlining reunion at the official opening of Arsenal’s new stadium, with Groves on percussion. There has been no official announcement from the club as yet. Upon questioning, a spokesman for Arsenal said “Didn’t he used to play for us?”

Perry Action Figure no more!

steve — Sun, 21 May 2006 15:11:36 +0000

The popular action figures based on ex-Arsenal Penalty Poacher Perry Groves have been recalled by the manufacturer, HasBROS. The exact reasons are unknown, but speculation and rumours abound. One report described numerous children being injured by the realistically powerful throw-in action. Another accounted poisoning incidents involving the realistic Perry Hair (TM) concoction. There were also rumours of kids injuring themselves dancing to the songs played by the ‘Bros Anthems’ button on advanced models.

Perry linked to food poisoning outbreak in Spurs team!

steve — Thu, 11 May 2006 15:13:14 +0000

Ex-Arsenal midfield dynamo Perry Groves is under suspicion of attempting to poison the entire Tottenham Hotspur team with his infamous milk-past-its-sale-by-date trick. Rumours state that Groves sneaked into the hotel where the Spurs team were staying and swapped their usual ‘Asda Organic’ brand for something more potent. Although no official accusation has been made, we understand that the ginger star is under surveilance by MI9.
Groves originally made his breakthrough to his school team through a similar incident, ‘accidently’ poisoning the entire first team with shoddy milk. Cynics believe he used the same underhand tactic to help his old club to qualify for the Champions League in their final game at Highbury.
Outspoken Bolton boss Sam Allardyce believes that he too should be under suspicion for the poisoning incident, though no-one can see why. “It’s either going to be me or Grovesy” he said. “I’m not going to rule myself out until someone is charged with the incident.”

Framley Town Wanderers lose milk to Premiership giant!

steve — Sun, 15 Jan 2006 15:12:55 +0000

Rumours are rife that the Framley Town Wanderer’s half-time milk supply was commandeered by premiership giants Manchester City. Ex-Arsenal milk-man Perry Groves, who supplies the Farley’s Rusks Sunday League third division team’s half-time milk quota was incensed at the audacity of the Manchester giants, whose own half-time milk had been stolen by a stray alley-cat. Although an official complaint has been made to the FA, early sources suggest that City’s take-over was in fact legal by FA ruling. The milk-theft was masterminded by City defender Ben Thatcher, who was met by the Framley Town Wanderer supporter with chants of ‘Ben Thatcher, milk-snatcher.’

Perry Groves the Musical?

steve — Sat, 05 Mar 2005 15:12:33 +0000

Abounding rumours suggest that ex-Arsenal football-flinger Perry Groves is to become the subject of a controversial new musical, Perry’s Ginger: The Opera. Starring long-time pals Luke Goss, former Highbury partner and defensive stalwart Gus Caesar, Captain Haddock, and Kevin the Milkman, the show will also feature close friend and child prodigy Sally Gribble (5). The opera has faced criticism from right wingers such as Stanley Matthews, Shaun Wright Phillips and Andy Johnson.

GOVERNMENT WARNING – Gross at Large

steve — Wed, 29 Sep 2004 19:29:21 +0000

Evil genius and master of disguise Terry Gross has escaped in a daring prison-break from his maximum-security cell in Barnsley. Gross, the arch-nemesis lookalike of ex-Arsenal wing-wonder Perry Groves, is considered highly dangerous and should not be approached by members of the public.