Interview with Perry

Reporter: Perry, thank you very much for finding a window in your very busy schedule for this interview.
Perry: It’s a pleasure.
Reporter: Now, you came on as a substitute for Arsenal in the 1989/90 title decider at Anfield. You entered the game in the 79th minute with Arsenal needing one more goal to clinch the 1st Division title. What were you thinking?
Perry: Well, it was a very dramatic atmosphere. You couldn’t help but be moved by it. But as a player, you have to stay professional and focus on the job in hand. I was really motivated to go out and bring the title back to north London.
Reporter: Er, no. I meant the hair. What were you thinking? Well, never mind. Anyway, at that time there was a lot of transfer interest surrounding you, involving some of the big clubs. Wycombe, Aldershot, and I hear Bros were looking for another member too. Were you interested in moving at that time?
Perry: Well I wasn’t really interested in that. I just took each match as it came. It doesn’t matter who I’m playing for, I’ll always give one hundred percent.
Reporter: Yeah, and I’ll bet that’s something Framley Town Wanderers are very glad of now. Anyway there’s always been the saying that with a great player the ball almost seems to be attatched to their feet, as if there’s sticky glue all over them. Was this where you got your idea for you hair, for heading the ball?
Perry: You’re not going to lay on the hair gags all the way through this interview are you? That was a long time ago.
Reporter: Sorry. I haven’t really been conditioned properly for this interview. No no. That wasn’t meant to be a joke. I didn’t mean to offend you. Oooh things got a bit hairy there. Whoops. Sorry. Now Perry, I hear you were a bit of a ladies man in your time. What do you think made you so attractive to women.
Perry: Well, anyone with a degree of fame becomes instantly recognisable. And playing for a football team, you’re always going to be noticed, especially with it being so popular.
Reporter: So not the shorts then? They said that those tight shorts restricted a players movements, but that could just be hairsay. I mean hearsay. Sorry. So moving on… Who have been your major influences over the course of your career?
Perry: Well, I’ve always admired Ian Rush. He was always electric infront of goal. I tried to model myself on him. I also loved watching Paul Mariner for England when I was just starting my own career.
Reporter: How about Tintin?
Perry: What?
Reporter: Never mind. Going back to that match against Liverpool, you were playing against one of the greatest defenders of all time, Alan Hansen. That must have been a hair-raising experience. He really did stick to you like glue.
Perry: That’s it. I’m fed up with all these stupid hair jokes. I’m leaving.
Reporter: Wait wait, keep your hair on.
Perry, obviously a busy man, had to end the interview there, slamming the door behind him.
Reporter: Come back Perry. I really thought we were starting to gel.
Interview terminated

Interview 1

Reporter: Excuse me, I’d like to ask you a few questions.
Pedestrian: Certainly.
Reporter: We’re conducting an interview about ex-Arsenal winger Perry Groves.
Pedestrian: Perry who?
Reporter: You remember. Perry Groves. That ginger-haired lightening-fast footballer. The best finisher in the game. In the late 80′s he was hot stuff. All the big clubs were after him. Wycombe, Aldershot, Acrington Stanley. But unfortunately they were put off by the high asking price of five pounds. So he stayed at Arsenal.
Pedestrian: No sorry mate. Dunno who you’re talking about.
Reporter: You must remember him. His Tintin style hair, his dashing good looks. His really long throw-ins. He was voted second best player in the first division in the 1989-90 season by the Perry Groves fan club. Narrowly losing out to Ronnie Rosenthal.
Pedestrian: No really mate, I really haven’t heard of him.
Reporter: How can you fail to instantly picture him in his shiny Arsenal shorts and skin-tight shirt. Besides, he’s still pretty big today if you follow the Farley’s Rusks Sunday League third division.
Pedestrian: Listen, I’ve told you already. I don’t have a clue in the world what you’re on about.
Reporter: What are you then? A social recluse? don’t you know style when you see it. I suppose you prefer tennis or something. Can’t follow a man’s sport like football. You’re a nobody. And you haven’t even heard of Perry Groves.
Pedestrian: I don’t need to stand around to be be insulted by the likes of you.
Reporter: gaylord.
Pedestrian: Right that’s it.
At this point the pedestrian needlessly attacked our dazed reporter. This was a completely unprovoked attack on a poor man simply trying to do his job. Let this be a warning to you. There are people out there who aren’t, like us, Perry Groves fans. And they are violent wicked people. Stay away from them.
Interview terminated

Well, that didn’t go as well as expected. But never one to give up, our reporter tried a few more unsuspecting locals.

Interview 2

Reporter: Excuse me madam, I’d like to ask you a couple of questions about ex-Arsenal attacker Perry Groves.
Woman: Sorry? Perry who?
Reporter: Never mind. Er, excuse me sir, you haven’t heard of Perry Groves have you?
Man: Sorry, no I haven’t.
Reporter: Say there sonny, I suppose you’re a bit too young, but you haven’t heard of Perry Groves?
Kid: Help mum! Stranger stranger!
Reporter: No no no don’t worry about it.
Reporter runs away.

Interview 3

Reporter: There must be someone round here who knows who Perry Groves is. Madam? Do you know Perry?
Lady: Oh yes, wonderful lad. Never really fulfilled his talent however. He’s always played to the crowds though. They love him.
Reporter: So you’re a big football fan then?
Lady: What’s football got to do with it. I was talking about Perry, Martha Groves’ son. The violinist.
Reporter: Oh.
Local guy: Excuse me, did I hear the name Perry Groves. The fooballer. I love Perry Groves. He’s the best footballer that ever was. I loved his tight shiny kit, and his hair was the best. Look, I tried to copy it myself. Do you remember how far he could throw the ball? I’ve never seen a player throw a football so high and far. He was the best. He was so good I think Bros were after him too. They’re my favourite band, Bros. I still go and watch him every Sunday at Framley Town Wanderers. The journey takes me four hours, but it’s worth it. Of course he’s slowed down a bit since he’s had the accident with the hair gel.
Actually I was thinking of making a website in his honour. What do you think?
Reporter: I, er, don’t think that’s a very good idea. I doubt anyone would visit it.
Local guy: I reckon I’m the greatest Perry Groves fan in the world.
Reporter: Ahem, no you’re not.
Local guy: Am too!
Reporter: NOT!
At this point another unfortunate, violent incident broke out, involving the interviewer and interviewee.
Interview terminated