weloveperry.com » pg tips

Fraternal rivalry from anon

steve — Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:09:21 +0000

Dear Gerald,
I am struggling with feelings or jealousy towards my brother, who has become a Hollywood film star. We used to work together on an equal footing, but now my career has become lukewarm and his has soared. I know that he owes me nothing, but I can’t help feeling like it’s a jungle out there. I don’t want to put a cat among the pigeons. I have been offered a role in a controversial new musical, but do not know whether or not this would be a wise career move. What do you think? When will I be famous?
Ex-popstar, England

Dear Anon,
Life’s a heartbeat – I’m not a liar, but I think this new musical will be too much. Don’t worry about the money, perhaps spend some time with your sister – I think you need some space. Don’t listen to the goss about your brother – drop the boy!
Kind Regards, Gerald

Growing a moustache from anon in America

steve — Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:08:33 +0000

Dear Gerald,
I am attempting to imitate the recent facial hair growth by my favourite ex-Arsenal wild winger Perry Groves, but am struggling to trim my full bushy beard into the fine strand that Perry so delicately sports. I am also struggling to make the 40′s film star moustache to look enough like two slimy caterpillars.
Anon, pop princess from America

Dear anon,
I am also struggling to grow my moustache to the same indominatable quality that our mutual hero has, but I can suggest a suitable answer to the slime problem in the form of slug-trails, which can be readily found if you venture into your garden just after dawn. With regards to the beard, why not try a strimmer?
Kind Regards, Gerald

Problems with my throw-ins from Percy Grover

steve — Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:07:43 +0000

Dear Gerald,
I am struggling to acheive distance, height and deadly accuracy in my throw-ins. I have studied the master himself, but can still only manage three to four feet. Do you have any ‘PG’ tips?
Percy, 12 from Gateshead

Dear Percy,
Some people have it, some people don’t. Get over it. Stop wasting my time. And I’m not thirsty – I prefer coffee anyhow. And it’s MISTER Football to you…
Kind Regards, Gerald

Problems with my hair from Madeline Groves

steve — Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:06:50 +0000

Dear Gerald,
I am struggling to acheive volume, silkiness and deadly bounce in my hair. I have studied the master himself, but can still only manage semi-permanent styling. Do you have any ‘PG’ tips?
Madeline, 12 from Northumberland

Dear Madeline,
Some people have it, some people don’t. Get over it. Stop wasting my time. And I’m not thirsty – I prefer coffee anyhow. And it’s MISTER Football to you…
Kind Regards, Gerald

Bullying from Anon

steve — Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:05:56 +0000

Dear Gerald,
I am being mercilessly but fairly bullied with names such as ‘Ginger Snaps, Ginger Nuts, Ginger Tosser, Tintin, Ginger Minger, Copper Nob, Sailor, Greaseball, Shiny Shorts, Captain Haddock, Orange Peel, Grubby Grundies and Gaylord’ due to my fine auburn locks. What should I do about it?
Anon, from Framley

Dear Perry,
You’ve been struggling with these issues for twenty years now, don’t you think it’s time you got over it? I’ve told you enough times about the use of hair dye. Deal with it.
Kind Regards, Gerald