This is where you get the latest news about Perry, every hour, on the hour. Or when we can be arsed to make something up. Headlines: Bros-Groves reunion looks set for Ash Burton Groves Groves a suspect in food-poisoning scandal! Manchester City steal Framley's milk! Perry Groves the Musical? Perry copies Pires? New Arsenal stadium dedicated to Perry Perry Action figure withdrawn! Virus scare!!! Perry to run for mayor? Perry suffers abuse. Perry in talks over advertising campaigns. Perry to be next Bond??? Queen to cut hair? Perry in Bros comeback shocker! Perry in bizarre hair gel accident. Perry to model new Arsenal kit. Perry to model new skimpy underwear. Famous band re-uniting for come-back gig at new stadium Rumours zip around north London that brothers Matt and Luke Goss and ex-Arsenal defence-devastator Perry Groves are set for a headlining reunion at the official opening of Arsenal's new stadium, with Groves on percussion. There has been no official announcement from the club as yet. Upon questioning, a spokesman for Arsenal said "Didn't he used to play for us?" Perry linked to food poisoning outbreak in Spurs team! Ex-Arsenal midfield dynamo Perry Groves is under suspicion of attempting to poison the entire Tottenham Hotspur team with his infamous milk-past-its-sale-by-date trick. Rumours state that Groves sneaked into the hotel where the Spurs team were staying and swapped their usual 'Asda Organic' brand for something more potent. Although no official accusation has been made, we understand that the ginger star is under surveilance by MI9. Groves originally made his breakthrough to his school team through a similar incident, 'accidently' poisoning the entire first team with shoddy milk. Cynics believe he used the same underhand tactic to help his old club to qualify for the Champions League in their final game at Highbury. Outspoken Bolton boss Sam Allardyce believes that he too should be under suspicion for the poisoning incident, though no-one can see why. "It's either going to be me or Grovesy" he said. "I'm not going to rule myself out until someone is charged with the incident." Framley Town Wanderers lose milk to Premiership giant! Rumours are rife that the Framley Town Wanderer's half-time milk supply was commandeered by premiership giants Manchester City. Ex-Arsenal milk-man Perry Groves, who supplies the Farley's Rusks Sunday League third division team's half-time milk quota was incensed at the audacity of the Manchester giants, whose own half-time milk had been stolen by a stray alley-cat. Although an official complaint has been made to the FA, early sources suggest that City's take-over was in fact legal by FA ruling. The milk-theft was masterminded by City defender Ben Thatcher, who was met by the Framley Town Wanderer supporter with chants of 'Ben Thatcher, milk-snatcher.' Perry Groves the Musical? Abounding rumours suggest that ex-Arsenal football-flinger Perry Groves is to become the subject of a controversial new musical, Perry's Ginger: The Opera. Starring long-time pals Luke Goss, former Highbury partner and defensive stalwart Gus Caesar, Captain Haddock, and Kevin the Milkman, the show will also feature close friend and child prodigy Sally Gribble (5). The opera has faced criticism from right wingers such as Stanley Matthews, Shaun Wright Phillips and Andy Johnson. Perry copies Pires? Usually the ultimate trend-setter, rumours abound that ex-Arsenal penalty-area-panther Perry Groves has undergone a role-reversal by adopting current Arsenal winger Robert Pires' trademark 'crap' beard. However, Perry has added his own inimicable twist to the facial monstrosity by also sporting a tasteful 40's film star moustache. Other celebrity figures are sure to follow, with rumours that the Goss brothers and pop princess Britney Spears are in the process of growing similar beard-moustache combinations. New Arsenal stadium dedicated to Perry It has been anounced that the new Arsenal stadium will be named after ex-Arsenal points-poacher Perry Groves, together with indie-rock group Ash and film director Tim Burton. The new ground, which will cost over £100 to build, will boast 60,000 seats and a football pitch. Perry Action Figure no more! The popular action figures based on ex-Arsenal Penalty Poacher Perry Groves have been recalled by the manufacturer, HasBROS. The exact reasons are unknown, but speculation and rumours abound. One report described numerous children being injured by the realistically powerful throw-in action. Another accounted poisoning incidents involving the realistic Perry Hair (TM) concoction. There were also rumours of kids injuring themselves dancing to the songs played by the 'Bros Anthems' button on advanced models. Scare over new virus! Fear is sweeping the country over a new virus which could kill millions. It was released from a Laboratory in Swindon where scientists were experimenting with cells from lengendary ex-Arsenal striker Perry Groves. They planned to keep the cells so they could pass on to footballers in the future a little of the amazing skills Mr. Groves had. Unfortunately, one of the cells mutated and formed into deadly virus which escaped. Victims of the 'perrisite' will find their hair turning slightly ginger and have a sudden urge to listen to Bros records. If you find yourself or someone you know experiencing these symptons, do not hesitate to visit your local GP. Perry to run for mayor? Due to the recent revelations surrounding the candidates for mayor of London, rumours abound that ex-Arsenal hitman Perry Groves may try to hit the heights of local government, making a late entry into the election race. We also hear that he may even have the backing of the Prime Minister. A source at No.10 said 'No no, you want Downing Street.' Perry suffers abuse. Reports have recently emerged that ex-Arsenal superstar Perry Groves was taunted by Liverpool supporters during Arsenal's league decider in 1989 at Anfield, with chants of 'Who's the ginger tosser?'. But when questioned by police, Perry, who is known to have great respect for the Liverpool fans, said 'No, it's a fair kop, guv.' Perry in talks over advertising campaigns. Ex-Arsenal frontman, Perry Groves, may front several advertising campaigns, we have been told. Among the products he is reported to be considering are Ginger Nuts, Orange Telecommunications, Robinson's Orange and Pineapple, Del-Monté orange juice, orange Chewits and Lucozade. He may also feature in an advertisment for the shampoo 'Wash and Go.' The advert will feature Perry brushing his hands through his fine auburn hair and would be broadcast in Britain and France, where the product is called 'go and wash.' Perry to be next Bond??? Ex-Arsenal sharp-shooter Perry Groves may soon be shooting onto our cinema screens as the new James Bond. The quintessential English gentlemen, Perry is reported to have said, 'I will be approaching the role a bit gingerly at first, but I'm sure I'll gel into it quickly.' The many-talented ex-Arsenal star is no stranger to acting, as he once appeared in his school production of Cats. More speculation is rye, as the ex-Arsenal Striker is rumoured to appear in the new film version of the classic comics, 'Tintin: the movie'. Queen to cut hair? Rumours are rife that the Queen is to adopt a new hair style in that of ex-Arsenal speedy-gonzalis Perry Groves. Hard-hitter Perry, whose controversial hairstyle shocked crowds in the 80's, is reported to have said, 'I'm very flattered that the Queen should choose to take on my hairstyle. It has been very popular in the past with stars such as Tintin and Matt Goss copying it, but to have the Queen do the same really is a great honour.' Perry to join Bros? Rumours fly around the music press that the Goss brothers, formerly of the band 'Bros' wish to reform the band with ex-Arsenal striker Perry Groves as percussionist. Though Perry has little experience in this field, the brothers believe that Perry's controversial and much maligned hairstyle should fit in with the band's image perfectly. When questioned, Matt Goss said, 'Didn't he used to play for Arsenal?' Perry hospitalised by hair gel incident Reports are emerging that former Arsenal striker and pin-up Perry Groves has had a terrible accident. When performing his daily routine of gelling his hair he accidently slipped on a large blob of wax, which he had been planning to add to the mountain already on his scalp. Although he has reportedly broken both his legs, a spokesman for his club, Framley Town Wanderers said 'It should not affect his performance.' Perry new Arsenal model! We are hearing rumours that ex-Arsenal striker Perry Groves is to model the new Arsenal kit. Though he left Highbury several years ago for his current club Framley Town Wanderers, Perry is still a big favourite among the fans of the north London club. Perry has had some modelling experience before, but he wouldn't tell us where. He did say about the new kit, however, 'I absolutely love it. It's very stylish and suave. Like me. However, I would prefer the general feel to be a little tighter, particularly the shorts, which should also be much shinier.' Perry to appear in PlayGirl Ex-Arsenal striker Perry Groves, who used to play for Arsenal as a striker will soon be striking at the hearts of many young ladies as he appears in the women's adult magazine 'Playgirl'. Reportedly the shots will feature the ex-Arsenal striker in many different poses, the favourite being of him in the famous tight black shiny shorts he wore when he came on as a substitute for his old team, Arsenal, at Anfield in 1989. A spokesman for the magazine said, 'Didn't he used to play for Arsenal?' (TOP)