Growing a moustache from anon in America

Dear Gerald,
I am attempting to imitate the recent facial hair growth by my favourite ex-Arsenal wild winger Perry Groves, but am struggling to trim my full bushy beard into the fine strand that Perry so delicately sports. read more

Problems with my throw-ins from Percy Grover

Dear Gerald,
I am struggling to acheive distance, height and deadly accuracy in my throw-ins. read more

Problems with my hair from Madeline Groves

Dear Gerald,
I am struggling to acheive volume, silkiness and deadly bounce in my hair. read more

Bullying from Anon

Dear Gerald,
I am being mercilessly but fairly bullied with names such as ‘Ginger Snaps, Ginger Nuts, Ginger Tosser, Tintin, Ginger Minger, Copper Nob, Sailor, Greaseball, Shiny Shorts, Captain Haddock, Orange Peel, Grubby Grundies and Gaylord’ due to my fine auburn locks. read more


The exciting adventures of Pere, Arsenal’s newest recruit.
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‘Coach’ – supplied by Alexander Jackson

Here is a picture sent in by Alex, who attends Colchester Royal Grammar School (ooooh!). read more


Evil genius and master of disguise Terry Gross has escaped in a daring prison-break from his maximum-security cell in Barnsley. read more

The Perry Groves fanclub

Would you like to be a member of the official unofficial Perry Groves fanclub? read more

Perry copies Pires?

Usually the ultimate trend-setter, rumours abound that ex-Arsenal penalty-area-panther Perry Groves has undergone a role-reversal by adopting current Arsenal winger Robert Pires’ trademark ‘crap’ beard. read more

Cornard Dynamoes – supplied by Nig

Here is a picture of the famous Perry Groves in his legendary playing days for Cornard Dynamoes.
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