Growing a moustache from anon in America

Dear Gerald,
I am attempting to imitate the recent facial hair growth by my favourite ex-Arsenal wild winger Perry Groves, but am struggling to trim my full bushy beard into the fine strand that Perry so delicately sports. I am also struggling to make the 40′s film star moustache to look enough like two slimy caterpillars.
Anon, pop princess from America

Dear anon,
I am also struggling to grow my moustache to the same indominatable quality that our mutual hero has, but I can suggest a suitable answer to the slime problem in the form of slug-trails, which can be readily found if you venture into your garden just after dawn. With regards to the beard, why not try a strimmer?
Kind Regards, Gerald

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