weloveperry.com » hair

Problems with my hair from Madeline Groves

steve — Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:06:50 +0000

Dear Gerald,
I am struggling to acheive volume, silkiness and deadly bounce in my hair. I have studied the master himself, but can still only manage semi-permanent styling. Do you have any ‘PG’ tips?
Madeline, 12 from Northumberland

Dear Madeline,
Some people have it, some people don’t. Get over it. Stop wasting my time. And I’m not thirsty – I prefer coffee anyhow. And it’s MISTER Football to you…
Kind Regards, Gerald

Bullying from Anon

steve — Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:05:56 +0000

Dear Gerald,
I am being mercilessly but fairly bullied with names such as ‘Ginger Snaps, Ginger Nuts, Ginger Tosser, Tintin, Ginger Minger, Copper Nob, Sailor, Greaseball, Shiny Shorts, Captain Haddock, Orange Peel, Grubby Grundies and Gaylord’ due to my fine auburn locks. What should I do about it?
Anon, from Framley

Dear Perry,
You’ve been struggling with these issues for twenty years now, don’t you think it’s time you got over it? I’ve told you enough times about the use of hair dye. Deal with it.
Kind Regards, Gerald

Queen to cut hair?

steve — Wed, 15 Sep 1999 15:09:37 +0000

Rumours are rife that the Queen is to adopt a new hair style in that of ex-Arsenal speedy-gonzalis Perry Groves. Hard-hitter Perry, whose controversial hairstyle shocked crowds in the 80′s, is reported to have said,
‘I’m very flattered that the Queen should choose to take on my hairstyle. It has been very popular in the past with stars such as Tintin and Matt Goss copying it, but to have the Queen do the same really is a great honour.’

Perry hospitalised by hair gel incident

steve — Wed, 15 Sep 1999 15:08:57 +0000

Reports are emerging that former Arsenal striker and pin-up Perry Groves has had a terrible accident. When performing his daily routine of gelling his hair he accidently slipped on a large blob of wax, which he had been planning to add to the mountain already on his scalp. Although he has reportedly broken both his legs, a spokesman for his club, Framley Town Wanderers said ‘It should not affect his performance.’

Interview with Perry Groves

steve — Sat, 11 Sep 1999 08:43:52 +0000

And this is the one you’ve been waiting for. Our reporter managed to get an exclusive interview with Perry Groves. The man himself. God. This is how it went.

Interview with Perry

Reporter: Perry, thank you very much for finding a window in your very busy schedule for this interview.
Perry: It’s a pleasure.
Reporter: Now, you came on as a substitute for Arsenal in the 1989/90 title decider at Anfield. You entered the game in the 79th minute with Arsenal needing one more goal to clinch the 1st Division title. What were you thinking?
Perry: Well, it was a very dramatic atmosphere. You couldn’t help but be moved by it. But as a player, you have to stay professional and focus on the job in hand. I was really motivated to go out and bring the title back to north London.
Reporter: Er, no. I meant the hair. What were you thinking? Well, never mind. Anyway, at that time there was a lot of transfer interest surrounding you, involving some of the big clubs. Wycombe, Aldershot, and I hear Bros were looking for another member too. Were you interested in moving at that time?
Perry: Well I wasn’t really interested in that. I just took each match as it came. It doesn’t matter who I’m playing for, I’ll always give one hundred percent.
Reporter: Yeah, and I’ll bet that’s something Framley Town Wanderers are very glad of now. Anyway there’s always been the saying that with a great player the ball almost seems to be attatched to their feet, as if there’s sticky glue all over them. Was this where you got your idea for you hair, for heading the ball?
Perry: You’re not going to lay on the hair gags all the way through this interview are you? That was a long time ago.
Reporter: Sorry. I haven’t really been conditioned properly for this interview. No no. That wasn’t meant to be a joke. I didn’t mean to offend you. Oooh things got a bit hairy there. Whoops. Sorry. Now Perry, I hear you were a bit of a ladies man in your time. What do you think made you so attractive to women.
Perry: Well, anyone with a degree of fame becomes instantly recognisable. And playing for a football team, you’re always going to be noticed, especially with it being so popular.
Reporter: So not the shorts then? They said that those tight shorts restricted a players movements, but that could just be hairsay. I mean hearsay. Sorry. So moving on… Who have been your major influences over the course of your career?
Perry: Well, I’ve always admired Ian Rush. He was always electric infront of goal. I tried to model myself on him. I also loved watching Paul Mariner for England when I was just starting my own career.
Reporter: How about Tintin?
Perry: What?
Reporter: Never mind. Going back to that match against Liverpool, you were playing against one of the greatest defenders of all time, Alan Hansen. That must have been a hair-raising experience. He really did stick to you like glue.
Perry: That’s it. I’m fed up with all these stupid hair jokes. I’m leaving.
Reporter: Wait wait, keep your hair on.
Perry, obviously a busy man, had to end the interview there, slamming the door behind him.
Reporter: Come back Perry. I really thought we were starting to gel.
Interview terminated

Perry’s hairstyle

steve — Fri, 10 Sep 1999 08:20:48 +0000

Everyone at at least one moment in their lives has looked at Perry Groves and said, ‘I wish my hair was like that.’ Well, today we’ll make your wishes come true as we tell you in a simple step by step tutorial how to get that Tintin look. It’s easy as pie.

Step One

First you need to die your hair a lovely ginger colour. Careful not to get any on the furniture!

Before:

After:

Step two

Now comes the difficult bit. Get a friend to shave the sides and back of your head with some clippers. Make sure you leave the middle longer in a U shape (see pictures below).

Front:	Top:

Step three

Now for the gel. This is an age-old recipe handed down through the generations of the Groves family. We’ve managed to dodge copyright laws to exclusively bring you this recipe:

1/2 pint Industrial strength glue.
1/4 pint Melted candle wax.
2 tbsp Paint stripper.
4oz Self-raising flour.
1 small tube PrittStick.
1 jar honey.
2 jar treacle.
1/4 sack cement.

Mix the ingerdients in a large cement mixer and apply liberally to hair. WARNING: do NOT try to comb or brush hair and be careful of low ceilings.