I read the astoundingly informative articles and reviews on your well presented and highly researched website but was severely dismayed to discover that you had somehow managed to miss out on the highly publicised and pivotal, (to his career), report on Mr. Groves in the July ’94 edition of ” Great Yarmouth Sights and Sounds of Football”.
Perry was given an entire centerfold spread dealing with his personal performance in the Framley Town Wanderers vs. Gerskekpoelstadt Bavarian Knights, high profile International friendly played on 19th June ’94.
Due to the international furor caused by accusations of match fixing aimed at top level Bavarian authorities earlier in the year it was thought wise to stage the match at an unbiased stadium where there would be the capacity for Bavarians and Framleans to flock to see the stars of their beloved teams. Hence the powers that be chose Sparksfield Park in Great Yarmouth.
For your convenience I have included my summary of the article as I know that should you wish to print this, many breaches of copywrite laws would be incurred if in it’s original unedited form.

Mrs. Matilda Jenkins, Wiltshire.

“Brits Bash Boshe Back, Bavarians Beaten By Brave Perry”
by Capt. Mark F. Owen, 22nd Wolf brigade 1939-1948

Before I begin my report on what has to be one of the most hotly fought battles since the Second World War, I must say that it is a privilege and an honour to be chosen to write about such a sweet, kind and generally astounding young man. I’ve now met him and was flabbergasted by his courtesy, manners and the amazing steps his hair has taken in the right direction since last in the public eye. Of course I’m speaking of the one, the only, Perry Groves.
Now, when I first heard that the Boshe were on their way over from Hunland I knew instantly that there was going to be a right royal thrashing dished out by the boys in Orange and Green, just like back in ’44. What I didn’t know was that it would turn out to be a seriously sizzling match, low on turnovers and high on skill.
Right from the outset Perry Groves emerged as the front man, leading all the way, always in position to attack the goal like no other player on the pitch, many of my colleagues put this down to him playing up front but I was able to see deeper than this facade, right into the psyche of Groves. After his unprecedented recovery from an unfortunate off-pitch injury, it seemed he may never make a full return to high level, true action football. Some said there was no way to recover from two broken legs and others claimed that even then he’d never regain his “Panzer Tank” pace, but Perry’s mind was focused and able to take inspiration from the men on the beaches of Normandy. Perry thought if they made it then so can I.
The first half saw Groves delving deep into enemy territory, probing runs and searing drives went unappreciated by the callous linesman who tried to blow the whistle on Perry’s hearty and uplifting game by calling offside on almost every play. Nevertheless Groves trudged on like a solitary soldier of the Resistance trapped in occupied Marseilles, always knowing capture and certain death lay waiting around every corner.
This scorching action was capped off by an astounding pre half-time finale, Groves makes a daring run into the box looking for a high lofted cross from teammate Pieter Round when the rotten, cheating Jerry goalkeeper slides at Groves ankles in a desperate attempt to stop Perry connecting with the devious cross. Groves goes down coughing and spluttering like he’s landed in the middle of a gas raid and is awarded the penalty. This is a blatant attempt by the Hun to disable team leader Groves for good, if Perry goes off they think that morale will drop and Framley will turn into a walkover. They hadn’t counted on Groves being British to the core. He gets up, and in a fiendishly clever mental game deliberately misses the penalty opportunity! Sheer genius! The half-time whistle goes and the Germans have had a lucky escape. Framley have only just begun their tortuous rise to the inevitable victory.
Back on the pitch and the second half continues with the same nailbiting, “Where’s the sniper hiding”, tension as the first half. Groves is now playing back in a more midfield position demonstrating his ability to make plays as well as finish them. Spectacularly innovative fluidity mingles with stunning set-pieces, much as an infiltrator mingles with the normal workers of a Hildesburg bomb factory, ready to sabotage at a moments notice. The build up is quite extraordinary to watch. Groves ticks away like a metronome or the fuse of an unexploded bomb, ready to release a devastating salvo of power shots, diving headers, pinpoint volleys or acrobatic bicycle kicks at any moment and yet he does none of these things. Perry bides his time toying with the enemy, he’ll strike with wanton ferocity but only he will decide when…..
Suddenly 84th minute and Von Stoffle kicks the ball off so that an injured Groves can be attended to, but wait, it’s a stupefyingly smart play by Perry who’s on his feet the instant the ball crosses touch. The crowd is roaring, the stadium resonates to the battle cry “Framley’s number one, Framley’s number one” as Groves steps to the half way line to take the throw-in. The atmosphere could be cut with a bayonet as the entire Framley team (bar Groves) group into the six yard box. The Bavarians obviously don’t see the play coming as they place their players around Perry about 20 yards out, Groves steps back and launches a wicked throw deep into the 18 yard box, the keeper comes out but fails to notice the extreme spin Groves has cleverly imparted to the ball and misses it completely! All that’s left for Framley to do is tap the ball home for the win! Final Whistle followed soon and the War was over, The scoreline says it all;

Framley Town Wanderers : 1
Gerskekpoelstadt Bavarian Knights : 0

The ever modest Groves had this to say after the match,

” It was a close one, I feel lucky that we won. Are you looking at my hair?”

So Groves returns to form, demolishing his critics in a Blitzkrieg of top notch football, from the original Tintin bad boy of football to Gentleman extrordinaire, for Groves, the future’s bright, the future’s orange.

Yes, that’s right folks. Here is the official unofficial Perry Groves board game. Accurately modelling Perry’s own life, you almost feel like the man himself when you are playing it. All you have to do is print out the board and counters and get ready to be blown away and lost in the sheer excitement. Guaranteed, this game will bring you and the family hours and hours of good quality fun. And if you don’t have a printer, simply make your own counters, tip the monitor on its back and play on screen!
Enjoy!

Rules

For 2 to 4 players.
Take it in turns to throw a dice to see who starts. Whoever gets the lowest score starts.
Take it in turns to throw a dice. Move that number of squares along the board. If you land on a square with writing on obey that writing.
Whovever leaves Arsenal for Framley Town Wanderers first wins!

Counters:

The Board:

Interview 1

Reporter: Excuse me, I’d like to ask you a few questions.
Pedestrian: Certainly.
Reporter: We’re conducting an interview about ex-Arsenal winger Perry Groves.
Pedestrian: Perry who?
Reporter: You remember. Perry Groves. That ginger-haired lightening-fast footballer. The best finisher in the game. In the late 80′s he was hot stuff. All the big clubs were after him. Wycombe, Aldershot, Acrington Stanley. But unfortunately they were put off by the high asking price of five pounds. So he stayed at Arsenal.
Pedestrian: No sorry mate. Dunno who you’re talking about.
Reporter: You must remember him. His Tintin style hair, his dashing good looks. His really long throw-ins. He was voted second best player in the first division in the 1989-90 season by the Perry Groves fan club. Narrowly losing out to Ronnie Rosenthal.
Pedestrian: No really mate, I really haven’t heard of him.
Reporter: How can you fail to instantly picture him in his shiny Arsenal shorts and skin-tight shirt. Besides, he’s still pretty big today if you follow the Farley’s Rusks Sunday League third division.
Pedestrian: Listen, I’ve told you already. I don’t have a clue in the world what you’re on about.
Reporter: What are you then? A social recluse? don’t you know style when you see it. I suppose you prefer tennis or something. Can’t follow a man’s sport like football. You’re a nobody. And you haven’t even heard of Perry Groves.
Pedestrian: I don’t need to stand around to be be insulted by the likes of you.
Reporter: gaylord.
Pedestrian: Right that’s it.
At this point the pedestrian needlessly attacked our dazed reporter. This was a completely unprovoked attack on a poor man simply trying to do his job. Let this be a warning to you. There are people out there who aren’t, like us, Perry Groves fans. And they are violent wicked people. Stay away from them.
Interview terminated

Well, that didn’t go as well as expected. But never one to give up, our reporter tried a few more unsuspecting locals.

Interview 2

Reporter: Excuse me madam, I’d like to ask you a couple of questions about ex-Arsenal attacker Perry Groves.
Woman: Sorry? Perry who?
Reporter: Never mind. Er, excuse me sir, you haven’t heard of Perry Groves have you?
Man: Sorry, no I haven’t.
Reporter: Say there sonny, I suppose you’re a bit too young, but you haven’t heard of Perry Groves?
Kid: Help mum! Stranger stranger!
Reporter: No no no don’t worry about it.
Reporter runs away.

Interview 3

Reporter: There must be someone round here who knows who Perry Groves is. Madam? Do you know Perry?
Lady: Oh yes, wonderful lad. Never really fulfilled his talent however. He’s always played to the crowds though. They love him.
Reporter: So you’re a big football fan then?
Lady: What’s football got to do with it. I was talking about Perry, Martha Groves’ son. The violinist.
Reporter: Oh.
Local guy: Excuse me, did I hear the name Perry Groves. The fooballer. I love Perry Groves. He’s the best footballer that ever was. I loved his tight shiny kit, and his hair was the best. Look, I tried to copy it myself. Do you remember how far he could throw the ball? I’ve never seen a player throw a football so high and far. He was the best. He was so good I think Bros were after him too. They’re my favourite band, Bros. I still go and watch him every Sunday at Framley Town Wanderers. The journey takes me four hours, but it’s worth it. Of course he’s slowed down a bit since he’s had the accident with the hair gel.
Actually I was thinking of making a website in his honour. What do you think?
Reporter: I, er, don’t think that’s a very good idea. I doubt anyone would visit it.
Local guy: I reckon I’m the greatest Perry Groves fan in the world.
Reporter: Ahem, no you’re not.
Local guy: Am too!
Reporter: NOT!
At this point another unfortunate, violent incident broke out, involving the interviewer and interviewee.
Interview terminated

Unfortunately Perry’s present club, Framley Town Wanderers, do not currently have an away strip, due to a fall in gate receipts. But they do have a very striking orange and green home kit. Fortunately, due to not many other teams choosing this unique colour scheme, the problem of the away strip is happily resolved. Below is that fantastic kit.